@torrami: I don't like coconut so I don't eat coconut. I don't follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
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@michelleisawolf: This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.
@coketruck76: Me: I'm into fitness Trainer: not again M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth T: you should go M: this isn't going to "workout" T: LEAVE NOW
@WhatsHerFace33: Friend - You smell nice, what's that perfume you're wearing? Me - Fear and fabric softener.
@dorkwing_duck: The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it's me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me