@fatherofcomedy: I don't like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
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@Reverend_Scott: I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
@YUCKYBOT: Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
@XplodingUnicorn: Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine. Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame. Then I know.
@aneesa_p: First rule of brown girl club: Don't wear pink & white striped shirts; you'll look like Neopolitan ice cream.