@markleggett: I don't like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.
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@pharmasean: If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
@clindsaysway: The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
@seanforhire: i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i'm doing to be silent and pretend i'm not home.
@alldrolledup: It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.