I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.