I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
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Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan