Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
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[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.