Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
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*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night