Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Dead sexy!!
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation