I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
A woman drives into a bar.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”