I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
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My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Fixed this for Shakespeare
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.