I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.