I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
You Might Also Like
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.