I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward