I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
this came to me in a vision
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool