@FlyJ_: I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
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@goodballs: How to get out of a bad date. 1. Pull fake baby out of your bag. 2. Tell your date to help pick a name. 3. Start taking family photos.
@SaraMansford: Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
@Jfficial: People laugh cause I've got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who'll be laughing then?
@internetluke: A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.