Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.