If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.