Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground