@AtticusFinch79: I don't mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he's hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
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@better_off_dad: I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
@iQuoteComedy: That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.
@TheRolo: 911: What is your emergency? Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.