I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
You Might Also Like
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs