@MikeCanRant: I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger
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@CVTBaby: Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back? Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
@huntigula: "Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!" [cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
@boogersincoffee: i hate when you google stuff like 'insidious' it gives you the definition but when you google 'butt' it doesn't. define butt for me damn it