@MikeCanRant: I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@tastefactory: I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there's a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
@DanMentos: [showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it’s walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing
@AaronFullerton: A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell "What's so cool about Star Wars anyway?", then jetpack through the ceiling.
@Sarcasticsapien: I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn't feed them and someone else did they wouldn't go to them immediately.