@MikeCanRant: I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger
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@therealelp: jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".
@RidiculousSheri: *me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
@pseudofauxme: My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back.