Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
*sewing*
A thread
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*