lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[shakes fist at other fist]
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.