[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
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Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used