I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
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*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.