I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
mood
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
#StillHurts
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel