My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
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<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there