I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
This one’s “Alex”.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish