I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
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So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
can’t believe I got front row seats
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
is this store having a stroke wtf
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.