I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
You Might Also Like
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test