I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.