ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
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If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
just make the entire table out of coaster
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.