I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
But I really needed water water water
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.