Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?