@timdonakowski: I don't need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
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@omgthatspunny: I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?" I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water".
@therealeatwood: DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience. ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.
@TheMichaelRock: The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you're having a velociraptor.