I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
You Might Also Like
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
what’s more important?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*