Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.