I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by