I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
You Might Also Like
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My dog learned how to text
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Simple enough.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Finally, an explanation.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)