I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.