@RobinMcCauley: I don't need anyone with a so-called degree "to" tell me I use quotes wrong.
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@cloudypianos: "someday this will all be yours" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
@shadygeekdad: DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you. ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!
@foxnerdrn: If he doesn't sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he's not as into you as I am.
@ericsshadow: [Target intercom] "Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We've told u for weeks this isn't a daycare."