I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves