I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.