I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.