“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Not even remotely sorry.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.