“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Thank you corporation very cool
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?