I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
the saddest jazz hands ever
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.