I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.