I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?