@heidi420x: I don't need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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@Eightinchgoat: *Pulls your panties to the side* *Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*
@shahnischmani: Just heard a lady say she's been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, "doesn't your family miss you?"
@jake_lach: I don't punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people
@NicholasPegg: Retweet if you are using Snapchat's new Snap Map location feature to hunt down straight men and turn them gay.