I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
You Might Also Like
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit