Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
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I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
bought wrong eggs
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.