@GloGurL: I don't normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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@WheelTod: [Staring at bedroom ceiling] Her:Don't worry. It happens to every guy Me:Not to me it doesn't! *resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
@otterwrangler: Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
@SequelsWeWant: Inside Out 2: The girl enters puberty. Her emotions get out of control. She goes Goth. Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
@stephenjmolloy: Dude: You got a light? Me: Sure. *hand him a flashlight* Dude: I mean for my cigarette. Me: Yeah, he can use it.