I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Just got to our Airbnb!
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice