I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”